Get in touch
The Cognitive Distortion of Personalization
Barbara Heffernan • January 21, 2025
Personalization can cause so much unnecessary pain! Here's how to overcome it.
Personalization is one of the most challenging cognitive distortions to overcome. It creates significant pain and can send us into spirals of rumination and regret—often for no reason at all. Let's explore what personalization is, why we do it, and how to stop.
What is Personalization?
Personalization is a cognitive distortion where we take on excessive responsibility for events or situations. This could be when:
• Something goes wrong that's out of our control, but we feel like it's our fault.
• Someone around us is upset, and we think it’s about something we did.
• We take criticism personally, instead of seeing it is about the other person’s relationship to the issue or situation (and we may or may not agree with it!).
Personalization can lead to feeling guilty or ashamed for things that aren't our responsibility. It can trigger behaviors that aren't in our best interest, through anger or withdrawal. Almost always, it causes rumination—those painful thought loops of "I shouldn't have done that" or "I should have prevented that" or "I should have responded differently."
A Real-World Example
A therapist I know recently started using a no-show policy, which is a very common practice. One of her clients got very angry about it. He thought the policy was put in place because he had a crisis two weeks earlier and couldn't make his appointment. He felt it was super unfair. The therapist explained that it was not about his cancellation, but something she had been planning to implement for awhile. When the client saw the therapist was not going to budge he told her: "I think this is going to ruin your business".
The therapist, in turn, felt attacked and criticized by the client. She felt he was questioning her business skills, and felt he didn’t respect her.
But the client was just doing what he was prone to do when he doesn’t get his way: he twists things and sends a “zinger” to attact the other person. His statement didn’t even necessarily mean he questioned her business skills.
So, both the client and the therapist were personalizing the situation.
Why Do We Personalize?
Why do we personalize everything? One reason is that we’re all the stars of our own movies. We walk around as if we’re the main character, thinking that we cause everything and that everything is about us. This can sound harsh, but it’s just how our brains work.
In Buddhist philosophy, this is called the “me loop”—the constant thoughts of “me, me, me”.
It can be really painful to be stuck in that "me loop."
However, it can be very helpful to see that other people’s behaviors are being driven by their own “me loop.” If we can see this, it will be easier not to personalize it.
(And I do need to add an aside here! Just because we aren’t personalizing the behavior doesn’t mean we like it. But if we don’t personalize it we can more effectively respond, even if it is to express our displeasure or set a boundary).
How to Stop Personalization
Step 1: Recognize the Pattern
Start by identifying when you might be personalizing.
Even if you FEEL it is personal, make a note to explore whether it might be the cognitive distortion of Personalization. (Or to put this another way, don't use the Cognitive Distortion of Emotional Reasoning (!) and take your emotions to indicate a truth).
Even if you FEEL it is personal, make a note to explore whether it might be the cognitive distortion of Personalization. (Or to put this another way, don't use the Cognitive Distortion of Emotional Reasoning (!) and take your emotions to indicate a truth).
Notice if you tend toward:
- Taking things personally (others' negative comments or actions)
- Taking responsibility for events outside your control
- Or both
When you find yourself ruminating, investigate whether personalization is at the root.
Remember, if it's personalization, it's distorted—not accurate or true.
Step 2: Consider Alternative Scenarios
When you identify something that might be personalization, challenge your thinking. See if you can come up with other possible explanations. For example,
When you identify something that might be personalization, challenge your thinking. See if you can come up with other possible explanations. For example,
- What are some other reasons why that project failed?
- What are some other reasons that caused that person to get upset?
Instead of assuming it’s your fault, open your mind to other possibilities.
You don't have to immediately convince yourself you're not responsible or that it isn't personal. Simply opening your mind to other possibilities helps enormously.
Step 3: Gain Perspective
Perspective is key. It helps us get out of that “me loop.”
There are several ways to gain perspective:
- Talk to someone else (a therapist, coach, or friend)
- Step back and remember that others are also the stars of their own movies
- Ask yourself what you'd say to a friend in this situation
- Remember that when someone insults us, we're often just minor characters in their story. It truly is more about them than it is about us.
The Role of Negative Core Beliefs
Another reason we personalize situations is related to our negative core beliefs. These core beliefs drive the ways we personalize events.
For example:
For example:
- For the man who was angry at the therapist, a core belief might be that life isn't fair, or that he can’t trust others.
- For the therapist, a core belief might be that she’s not good enough (fearing she isn’t good enough to run a business). Or she might feel a lot of financial insecurity, which could be tied to a feeling of “I’m powerless” or “I’m inadequate.”
If you can identify your own negative core beliefs, that will help you understand why you personalize things. If you want more help with that, I have a free PDF called
Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs which can help you identify your true core belief and provides three methods for overcoming them. Click the link to download for free.
## Key Takeaways
1. Personalization makes us take excessive responsibility for things outside our control.
2. We all tend to be the "stars of our own movies," which makes personalization a common trap.
3. Recognition is the first step—notice when you're personalizing and what type you tend toward.
4. Challenge your thoughts by considering alternative explanations for situations.
5. Gain perspective by talking to others or imagining how you'd advise a friend.
6. Understanding your negative core beliefs can help you identify why you tend to personalize certain situations.
Remember, breaking free from personalization takes practice, but even small steps in recognizing and challenging these thought patterns can lead to significant emotional relief!
Please share how personalization impacts you and what helps in the comments below!
Please share how personalization impacts you and what helps in the comments below!
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU. More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.
Share this with someone who can benefit from this blog!
Are you wondering if you're stuck in a chronic freeze state? If you are, it can be a very painful place to be. The good news is that you can recover from this, and recognizing it is the first step toward change. These are the 7 signs you are in Chronic Freeze.
Have you ever felt completely paralyzed in a stressful situation, unable to think clearly or even move? This is freeze mode - one of our basic survival instincts. This blog explores what the freeze response is, how it can be both helpful and problematic, and most importantly, how to manage it.
Struggle to acknowledge your positive qualities or celebrate your achievements? The cognitive distortion of"discounting the positive" can harm your self-esteem and influence your overall perspective negatively. Learn 6 steps to stop discounting the positive and feel better!
A Powerful Tool for Emotional Regulation: Identifying Cognitive Distortions
What is the cognitive distortion of emotional reasoning and why is it a problem? Why is listening to your emotions sometimes a distortion? In this blog, I share 3 keys to knowing if you are using emotional reasoning, and 5 steps to stop emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning can cause significant problems in life.
When are “should statements” a problem, and when are they realistic? Problematic should statements are those that make us feel bad about ourselves or to make others feel bad about themselves,
Mind reading can lead us into emotional spirals of anxiety, depression, anger or grief for no reason whatsoever, because our mind reading is usually not accurate. In today's blog, I'll explain what mind reading is so you can identify whether or not you do it, which areas you do it in and even how much you do it. We're going to talk about why it's a problem, and then I'm going to give you some techniques to overcome it.
Anxiety is fueled by Cognitive Fusion. Learn 3 Cognitive Defusion Techniques that really help lower anxiety. Understand the concept of cognitive defusion and why cognitiven defusion will help anxiety.
The real reason you haven't been able to shift your negative thinking is because it developed at an early age and created Negative Core Beliefs. This blog shares two concepts that will help you begin to shift your negative thinking, 5 practical tools to challenge negative thoughts, and guidance on that underlying issue!
Should you spend time changing your negative thinking if your negative thoughts are true? Why should you change them if they are realistic? Sometimes negative thoughts are valid, right?
This blog gives you the tools to know whether your negative thinking is truly holding you back in life or whether it's realistic and adaptable, and you need to have it.
Connect with us on social media!
