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Discounting the Positive

Barbara Heffernan • January 28, 2025

Do you struggle to celebrate your achievements?

Do you find it hard to acknowledge your positive qualities or to recognize the good things happening in your life? Is your focus drawn mainly to the negative?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, you might be experiencing a common cognitive distortion called "discounting the positive." 

This way of thinking can significantly impact our self-esteem and our overall perspective.

Understanding the Cognitive Distortion of Discounting the Positive

Cognitive distortions are thinking patterns that most of us experience at some point. They are distorted lenses through which we view the world, impacting our experiences, feelings, and future behaviors. By identifying these distortions and labeling our thoughts, we can gain distance from them and think more clearly.

Discounting the positive means dismissing or minimizing any positive aspects of yourself or your experiences. You might dismiss a skill you have, or perhaps a goal you achieved. 

This is not about what we might say that is socially acceptable— for example, politely waving away a compliment or a congratulations. This is about what you genuinely feel about your achievements or positive qualities.

Here are some common examples of how this might manifest:
• If someone compliments you on an achievement, your immediate thought is, "Oh, it was nothing, anyone could have done it."

• Upon receiving a good grade, say, 85%, you focus solely on the fact that you didn't achieve a higher score.

• When someone offers a compliment, you think, "They're just saying that to be nice," and you question their sincerity.

• You focus on one negative aspect of an experience, such as a rude waiter at a restaurant, and dismiss all the positive aspects of the evening.

The Negative Impact of Discounting the Positive

The biggest problem with this pattern?

It reinforces our sense of inadequacy. 

We might discount positives because we feel inadequate, but doing so only strengthens that feeling, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of low self-esteem.

We are not taking in the positive signals from the environment that we receive, whether these are positive comments from others or simply a successful outcome we contribute to.

6 Steps to Break the Pattern

Fortunately, this pattern of thinking can be changed with conscious effort. Here are six steps to help you begin to overcome the habit of discounting the positive:

#1. Recognize the Pattern

Many people aren't aware of how often they discount positives until they actively look for it. Try journaling at the end of each day:
- Did you receive any compliments?
- Did you achieve something?
- How did you feel about it (not just what you said)?
- Did you downplay or discount these positives?

Finding the pattern in how you respond to positives, and how you might discount them, can help you step back and view your thoughts more clearly.

#2. Challenge the Pattern

When you catch yourself discounting something positive, ask:
- Is there evidence for my dismissal?
- Are my assumptions accurate?
- What other factors might be involved?

For example, if you're upset about getting an 85 instead of 95 on an exam, consider:
  • How many others actually achieved a 95?
  • What other responsibilities were you juggling? Perhaps those with a higher score are not taking as many courses, or do not have outside responsibilities.
  • What would you have had to sacrifice to achieve that higher score? If you value your relationships or self-care, placing value on those instead of aiming for the higher grade would make sense. 

#3. Identify Negative Core Beliefs

Consider the underlying negative beliefs that contribute to your tendency to discount the positive. What is the theme underneath your pattern of discounting the negative? Is it a belief of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm worthless"? Or is there a belief of "I'm lazy" or a feeling of defectiveness?

These deeply ingrained negative beliefs are at the root of our thinking errors and they can lead to a lot of unhappiness.

They remain deeply ingrained until we examine them carefully. 

(By the way, you can download a free PDF here that can help with this! Transform your Negative Core Beliefs will help you identify your core belief and learn three techniques to overturn it).

 Important note: This isn't about minimizing real problems—homelessness, job loss, illness, addiction, and other serious challenges are very real. The goal is to avoid adding unnecessary self-criticism on top of life's genuine difficulties.

#4. Practice Reframing the Narrative

Instead of dismissing accomplishments, intentionally reframe them. 

For example, replace thoughts like "Oh, it was nothing" with "I worked hard for that," or "I feel good about that achievement."

Consider what an alternative response might be (whether external or internal – with internal being the most important!).

Even if you don't fully believe it at first, practice using these alternative responses. You're not lying—you're acknowledging that your initial reaction might not be accurate. “Act as if” can be very powerful.

#5. Celebrate Small Wins

At the end of each day, reflect on what went well and acknowledge those moments.

Think through:
  •  What went right today
  •  What you did well
  •  Small achievements worth acknowledging

You can do this privately or share with someone who understands. The key is developing the habit of recognizing positives, no matter how small.

#6. Seek External Perspective

Obtaining external perspective is very beneficial.
  • If you find yourself dismissing a compliment, consider asking the person for further clarification.
  • Share achievements with supportive friends or family.
  • A therapist, a coach, or a support group can provide valuable insights and feedback.

Implementing These Steps

If you commit to implementing these steps daily for 30 days, you can make significant progress in changing your thought patterns. 
It is important to acknowledge that habits of mind and negative core beliefs are deeply ingrained, so working to change them takes time and effort. 

Remember, the goal isn't to ignore real problems or become unrealistically positive. Nor is it to become a braggart.

Instead, we're working to stop adding unnecessary negative self-judgment to our daily experiences.

If you found this post helpful, you might also enjoy this blog post Challenging Negative Thinking. 
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU.  More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.

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By Barbara Heffernan March 24, 2025
Understanding the Fawn Response The Fawn response is a behavior developed in childhood, often connected to complex trauma. It could even be little "t" traumas on an ongoing basis, where as a child, you learned to subjugate yourself to the caregiver in order to stay in relationship and survive. This becomes a deeply ingrained survival behavior which can become habitual. As you grow up, it gets applied to all situations. This blog will go through nine components required for healing. - The first three focus on internal work - The next three are more practical, action-oriented techniques - The last three address deeper psychological work Internal Work (Components 1-3) # 1. Recognize that fawning developed because it was necessary at the time Understand that fawning was a survival strategy, and it might have been the very best choice available to you. It may also have been, in many ways, the only choice. Even today as adults, there are situations where choosing a fawning-type behavior might actually be the best choice. This is important to understand because we don't want to eliminate this response entirely—we want to get to the point where it's not an automatic go-to reaction. Instead, we want to reach a place where you can consciously think, "I'm choosing to do this right now." Acknowledging that this developed as a survival strategy helps prepare you for the next two components. [ For more information on what the fawn response is and why it developed, read this blog] # 2. Begin to acknowledge and validate your own feelings If you grew up in an environment where you learned to fawn, my guess is that not only were your caregivers not paying attention to your feelings, but you also had to subjugate your own feelings to the point where you weren't aware of what you were feeling. As an adult, it's necessary to begin recognizing and identifying your emotions: "I'm feeling angry" or "sad" or "frustrated" or "irritated." Begin to acknowledge and even verbalize what you're feeling. The simple act of labeling your emotion calms down your fight-flight-freeze response and increases activity in the areas of the brain that help you solve problems. There is research that shows this happening via fMRIs! # 3. Practice self-compassion Understanding why this behavior developed can help you practice self-compassion. Changing these behaviors is hard and takes time. If you find yourself automatically fawning and later yelling at yourself, try not to do that—you're basically re-traumatizing yourself for a behavior you learned for survival. Instead, try noting it with self-compassion: "Interesting, I fell into that pattern again." And then connect this to the next step by adding, "I fell into that pattern again because of this situation." Observe with compassion rather than judgment. Practical Tools (Components 4-6) # 4. Identify situations that trigger fawning behavior Notice which situations trigger your fawning behavior. As you review these situations, see if there are patterns similar to those you experienced as a child. They may reflect situations that were emotionally or physically dangerous, or that created a rift between you and your caregivers. Identifying these situations helps you understand what patterns became embedded in your emotional brain. As you observe these patterns, bring in self-compassion and that observer mindset. This approach is much more productive than criticizing yourself. As you identify these patterns, you can connect them to current situations: "This situation at work with a difficult authority figure is recreating this childhood pattern for me." 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This question gets at the heart of the issue: What did you do today that ignored your own values or needs in order to stay in relationship with someone else, avoid criticism, or prevent rejection? Verbalizing this through an audio journal or writing it down utilizes different parts of your brain that help you comprehensively understand what's happening. # 6. Practice emotional regulation tools daily Implement diaphragmatic breathing, grounding exercises, or any techniques that calm your physiology. Practice these regularly, not just in the middle of triggering events. You can weave these practices throughout your day. Set an alarm for three different times during the day, and when it goes off, simply take three deep diaphragmatic breaths. No one needs to know you're doing it—you can do it anywhere, and it's free. While it might not feel immediately helpful, you're stimulating a different part of your nervous system that helps you realize, "In this situation, it would not be life-threatening if the relationship were severed. I'm not in a situation where my immediate survival is at stake." When you feel safe enough, your normal breathing pattern will naturally be diaphragmatic. It's all a feedback loop—a body-based technique that communicates to the rest of your brain. The fawn response is differentiated from the fight-flight-freeze response. Sometimes they're grouped together, but I think it's more useful to separate them (I'll cover this topic in the future if you're interested—let me know in the comments). The fawn response uses different parts of the nervous system and brain because it's largely about staying in connection with others. That said, knowing whether your underlying response is fight, flight, or freeze beneath the fawn behavior can be helpful. 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