Get in touch
The Cognitive Distortion of SHOULD Statements
Barbara Heffernan • December 11, 2024
When are “should statements” a problem, and when are they realistic?
So the problematic should statements are those that make us feel bad about ourselves or those that make others feel bad about themselves:
So rather than “I should wake up earlier” it could be “I'm going to figure out how to structure things so that I don't have to feel all the time like I should wake up earlier. I'm going to make a choice here.”
- “I should be more productive.”
- “I should exercise more.” “
- I should wake up earlier.”
- “He should be nicer.”
- “She shouldn't have done that to me.”
- “She should really go back to school and get a better degree.”
Our should statements reflect our values and our judgments about the world, but they're often applied rigidly and critically.
In today's blog, I'll address why should statements can be a cognitive distortion, and what you can do about it!
So, a cognitive distortion is a "thinking error," which distorts how we are perceiving and interpreting reality.
So, a cognitive distortion is a "thinking error," which distorts how we are perceiving and interpreting reality.
If we tend to get stuck in uncomfortable mental states such as anxiety, rumination, depression, or habitual anger, we tend to have a lot of cognitive distortions.
And a distortion means it's distorted. It's not a true reflection of reality.
__________
So when is a should statement a cognitive distortion?
And when is it like, “Yeah, okay, time for me to go do my laundry”?
So I'm going to help you figure out when should statements are problematic, why they're problematic, and how to turn them around.
I got a comment on my recent video about cognitive distortions
from somebody who said that she's never understood why “should statements” are cognitive distortions. She used the examples of
- “I should eat something because it's 6:00 PM and I've yet to eat today.”
- “I should wash my hands before I prepare this food.”
- “I should get to bed because it's past midnight.”
These types of should statements are not
problematic. So how do you know?
With these should statements, there's a direct action, and you're pretty sure the person saying the should statement is going to follow through. So that's fine.
But this is not the type of should statement that most of us use.
Most of us use them more like these:
- “I should exercise more, I am so lazy.”
- “I should wake up earlier because I just can't get everything done and I'm just not being productive enough and I know I should, but I just can't and it makes me feel bad about myself.”
- “I should save more money, but I'm not going to because it gives me too much pleasure to go buy things and I know I'm going to keep doing that, but I know I should do that, so I'm just going to feel badly about myself.”
I imagine you can tell what the problem with these kinds of should statements are.
- They contribute to our low self-worth
- They don't move us towards productive action
- They don't help us reconcile the difference between what we are actually doing and what we think we “should” do
- They don't investigate the conflict inherent in the “should”
- They don’t help us change
- They make us feel badly
So if you are always “shoulding on” yourself or somebody else, what do you do about it?
I broke this out into five steps.
5 Steps to Stop "Shoulding" on Yourself
#1: Look into your values
Very often our “should statements” are based in values that come from society or our families of origin, and we don't really agree with them.
If you came from a family that was very academically focused and you don't really like academics and you want to be an artist or a construction worker, you might always be telling yourself “I should try harder at school, I should care about this, I should do this.” Because it's the message you got from your family or from the society you're in, but it's not what you really want.
So take the time to look through the values that are reflected in your should statements. What is the conflict in values that's reflected in these problematic should statements?
When you notice that you're “shoulding on yourself,” take out a piece of paper and a pen. Write down what you're telling yourself you "should" do, and then write down why you're not doing it, or why you're conflicted about it. And then look for what values are represented by both sides of that.
For example, “I should go to the gym more.” When investigated, the conflict might be “I'm totally exhausted. I worked all day, I'm taking care of kids. I don't have the energy.” That exploration gives you way more information than simply being like “Oh, I should go to the gym, but I'm sitting on the couch. I’m so lazy.” The investigation shines a light on the structural problem in your life that is getting in the way.
#2: Turn your should statements into choices
Instead of shoulds, use the language of CHOICE.
Let's take the should statement of “I should wake up earlier.”
Okay, where does this "should" come from? Some people are night owls, some aren't. We all have our own rhythms. Perhaps learning live with our own rhythms is helpful.
So rather than “I should wake up earlier” it could be “I'm going to figure out how to structure things so that I don't have to feel all the time like I should wake up earlier. I'm going to make a choice here.”
Let's look another example: "I should be nicer” . Once you've looked at the values and the conflict inherent in this statement and in the situation, consider whether it is actually a boundary that is needed. It could be: “I'm choosing to set a boundary with a friend, even though it kind of makes me feel a little bit like I'm not being nice or I'm not doing what I should do. I'm going to set a boundary because not doing so is having a negative impact on me.”
You can take your “should statements,” analyze the values and inherent value conflicts, and then make a choice.
#3: Turn the choices into action
Let’s start with: “I should save more money.”
Let’s say you go through your values and you realize that you don’t highly value what you are spending money on and you do value feeling more secure. You feel that saving money will help you feel more secure, and this is an important value.
“I'm going to have a certain amount automatically deducted from my paycheck.”
“I will put in place boundaries for myself around how I spend money”
If you find that your “should statements” do actually reflect your values and what you want, make a plan.
#4: If needed, let the “should statements” go
If you find that the “should statements” don’t reflect your true values, or if you find that they are too rigid and perfectionistic, it probably makes sense to consciously let them go.
Let's take the “I should be nicer,” or “I should never say no to somebody” or “I should always help everybody around me who's in trouble, whether they ask for it or not.”
These are unrealistically broad. You can value being nicer, but also value self-care. You can value helping others, but also value letting others be responsible for themselves.
Letting go is a practice, and it takes some time. But acknowledging that your “should statement” is not valid or helpful is a first step.
#4: Understand the negative core belief reflected in your “should statement”
Knowing and understanding your negative core belief is key to a healthier way of thinking and a healthier way of navigating the world. We develop these beliefs at a young age and they impact much of our behavior and experience, until we recognize and heal them.
So a belief of “I should be nice to everybody” probably arises from a negative core belief that “my needs don't count” or “other people's needs are more important than mine.”
If your should statement is “I should always be helping everybody else in my family, whether they've asked for it or not,” you probably have a negative core belief that you can't rely on others. You've developed a belief and habit that somehow it is your job to be the competent one, and that if you don't "jump in and help, everything's going to be horrible."
This fifth step of recognizing what negative core beliefs are under these should statements can really help you deeply understand why you have this internal dictator in your head.
The internal dictator is always beating us up “You should be nicer, you should be smarter, you should work harder, you should be more productive, you should be able to get everything done.” This internal dictator was internalized, probably from a critical parent or a general atmosphere that created this belief in us. This blog will probably be interesting to you if you resonate with this: Inner Critic
So for help on this step, the negative core belief, I do have a free PDF. It helps you identify the negative core belief and then it also gives you tools to overturn that belief.
To conclude,let's go back to the other should statements that really aren't problematic.
“I should go do my laundry because otherwise tomorrow I'm not going to have any clean clothes.”
There's no huge criticism in that. There's no huge conflict. I may not feel like doing the laundry, but I know it's the best choice given the consequences if I don’t.
Those should statements are not problematic, but I would still recommend rephrasing them with the language of choice.
“I'm choosing
to go do my laundry now. If I don't, I won't have clothes for tomorrow.”
Alright, let me know what you think of this and whether it was helpful . If you have any questions let me know!
Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU. More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.
Share this with someone who can benefit from this blog!
All anxiety disorders are driven by an amygdala hijack. This blog explains how this work, why it is a problem and what to do about it. If your anxiety is controlling your life, ruining your happiness, and maybe even impacting your health, know that it is not all in your head. Your nervous system has been hijacked, and understanding this can really help you on your path to recovery.
7 Steps to Calm an Amygdala Hijack. The overwhelming emotional response of an amygdala hijack can cause many problems. Learn to regulate emotionally and calm this response.
Emotional reaction so intense that it completely overtakes your thoughts and feelings? This is an AMYGDALA HIJACK. This post explains what an amygdala hijack is and why it occurs. Understanding this will help you calm an amygdala hijack more quickly and improve your emotional regulation!
Are you wondering if you're stuck in a chronic freeze state? If you are, it can be a very painful place to be. The good news is that you can recover from this, and recognizing it is the first step toward change. These are the 7 signs you are in Chronic Freeze.
Have you ever felt completely paralyzed in a stressful situation, unable to think clearly or even move? This is freeze mode - one of our basic survival instincts. This blog explores what the freeze response is, how it can be both helpful and problematic, and most importantly, how to manage it.
Struggle to acknowledge your positive qualities or celebrate your achievements? The cognitive distortion of"discounting the positive" can harm your self-esteem and influence your overall perspective negatively. Learn 6 steps to stop discounting the positive and feel better!
Personalization is one of the most challenging cognitive distortions to overcome. It creates significant pain and can send us into spirals of rumination and regret—often for no reason at all. Let's explore what personalization is, why we do it, and how to stop.
A Powerful Tool for Emotional Regulation: Identifying Cognitive Distortions
What is the cognitive distortion of emotional reasoning and why is it a problem? Why is listening to your emotions sometimes a distortion? In this blog, I share 3 keys to knowing if you are using emotional reasoning, and 5 steps to stop emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning can cause significant problems in life.
Mind reading can lead us into emotional spirals of anxiety, depression, anger or grief for no reason whatsoever, because our mind reading is usually not accurate. In today's blog, I'll explain what mind reading is so you can identify whether or not you do it, which areas you do it in and even how much you do it. We're going to talk about why it's a problem, and then I'm going to give you some techniques to overcome it.
Connect with us on social media!
