Social Anxiety Around The Holidays: Why It Happens & 3 Tips To Help

Barbara Heffernan • December 5, 2023

Social Anxiety Around The Holidays: Why It Happens & 3 Tips To Help

Ever feel like the twinkling lights and festive cheer of the holidays come with an uninvited guest – social anxiety?


Today, we're unwrapping a topic as real as the joy of the season: navigating social anxiety during the holidays. If you've ever found yourself yearning for a quiet corner while the world celebrates, you're not alone.


Let’s discuss some of the reasons we feel this way…


Comparisonitis:

The holidays tend to trigger comparisonitis – she's married, they have kids, and the list goes on… We often feel like we don’t stack up to these desires we have for what we want our lives to look like! If you struggle with this, I invite you to download my free PDF on Transforming Negative Core Beliefs which has helped many people get off of the comparisonitis hamster wheel.


Small-Talk:

Many people with social anxiety hate the idea of small talk. We find ourselves repeating things we’ve already said, and having really surface level conversations that just don’t feel genuine.


Self-image issues:

Worrying about appearances reaches a peak during the holidays. How we look, what we eat – the holiday feast can bring a lot of stress. 


Family Dynamics:

Family dynamics during the holidays – need I say more? The unfiltered judgments, subtle competition, it's a real-life sitcom.



If any of these factors are increasing social anxiety for you during the holidays, know that you're not alone. The struggle is shared, and it's okay to acknowledge it. But there is hope for a cheerful season!


Here are some things we can do to help with social anxiety during the holidays…


Label Your Anxious Thoughts:

When those anxious thoughts pop up – the worry about judgment, the comparisonitis – label them. It's a small act that can make a big difference.


Physiological Calming Tricks:

Connect your mind and body. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, or imagine something soothing, like petting a puppy. Your physiology can be your ally.


Shift the Focus - Mindful Listening:

Break free from the inward-focused loop by actively focusing on others. Engage in mindful listening during conversations. Shifting your focus can ease the tension.



As we navigate the holiday social maze together, I wish you a season filled with genuine connections, laughter, and moments of peace. Remember, you're not alone – we've got each other's back. Here's to a joyous and stress-free holiday season! 🌟



Warmly,


Barbara


Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU.  More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.

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By Barbara Heffernan April 29, 2025
Sometimes is seems that anxiety runs in families, but not everybody has it. Other times, someone might have anxiety when no one else in their family does. In this article, I will discuss the current state of research regarding whether anxiety is genetic and inherited. I will also address whether this knowledge matters, and if it does, why it matters. The role genetics plays varies by specific anxiety disorder. Toward the end of this article, I will provide a summary of current research findings for generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, specific phobias, agoraphobia, and social anxiety disorder—the five anxiety disorders that primarily apply to adults in the DSM-5-TR. I will also include obsessive-compulsive disorder because, while it's no longer classified as an anxiety disorder, many readers ask about OCD, and there is significant overlap. Before examining specific disorders, it's important to understand the research methodology and findings in general terms. I'll break down concepts like familial aggregation and concordance rates in twin studies to provide an accessible and understandable overview. The Science Behind Anxiety and Genetics Anxiety is a common human experience. However, it becomes a disorder when it is excessive, interferes with daily life, or impacts overall functioning or happiness. Anxiety disorders are prevalent—research shows that up to a third of the population will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their life. Family history and genetics are definite risk factors, but they are not determinants. There is no gene for any anxiety disorder that directly causes the condition . Overall, family conditioning, family history, and genetics can be viewed as influences that increase the likelihood of developing a disorder, but they are not determinative. Understanding the Research Methods When researchers observe anxiety disorders clustering within families, this is called "familial aggregation." Research indicates that having anxiety in a first-degree relative can increase your risk of developing an anxiety disorder anywhere between three and 17 times compared to someone without that family history. However, families influence us in many ways. We learn from our parents' behavior, we mimic others' coping mechanisms, and we adopt patterns of behavior from those around us. These behaviors can be passed down through generations without necessarily indicating a genetic link. To determine whether anxiety truly has a genetic component, researchers often turn to twin studies. A common method involves comparing incidence rates between identical twins (who share exactly the same genetic structure) with fraternal twins (who are as genetically different as any two siblings). Most siblings share approximately 50% of the same genes, while identical twins share 100%. For clarity when reading research, it's helpful to know that identical twins are called "monozygotic," and fraternal twins are called "dizygotic"—terminology that can make research studies confusing for non-specialists. In research literature, you might encounter sentences like this regarding obsessive-compulsive disorder in twins: "There is a concordance rate of 0.57 for monozygotic versus 0.22 for dizygotic twins." To break this down for you, this sentence means that if you're an identical twin and your twin has OCD, you have a 57% chance of having that disorder, whereas if you're a fraternal twin and your twin has OCD, you have a 22% chance of having it. The concordance rate represents the likelihood that one twin will have the anxiety disorder if the other twin has it. Since OCD appears approximately twice as common in identical twins, this suggests a significant genetic contribution. However, it's important to note that even in identical twins, there remains a 43% chance that the other twin won't develop OCD. The Role of Epigenetics To summarize, most anxiety disorders appear to have both genetic and familial links, yet other factors play a very important role. These additional factors include the environment you grew up in, the environment you are in now, specific life experiences, and epigenetics. Epigenetics refers to environmental factors or life experiences that trigger gene expression. Epigenetic factors play a crucial role in determining whether particular genes become activated. This principle applies across many conditions, not just mental health disorders. The developing field of epigenetics highlights an important truth: our genes do not determine our destiny. Does It Matter If Anxiety Is Inherited? This brings us to the question: Does it matter whether anxiety was inherited through family behavior or genetics? I believe this information can be a double-edged sword. In my work as a psychotherapist, I've observed that when individuals focus on their belief that their disorder is genetic, they often believe nothing can be done about it. They adopt the mindset: "I inherited this; I will always have it." If this belief prevents someone from seeking help, or doing the work needed to recover, then awareness of genetic components may not be beneficial... because regardless of the cause, anxiety is treatable . Many people can achieve full recovery, and most others can experience significant improvement. In terms of treatment approaches, the specific trigger or genetic predisposition matters less than commitment to recovery. While you might face additional challenges with family patterns of anxiety or intergenerational trauma, recovery remains possible. Whether the source was trauma or generational stress, effective tools and techniques exist. On the positive side, understanding the inherited aspects of anxiety can help people avoid feeling defective. It reduces self-blame for having an anxiety disorder. When we understand anxiety in the context of its prevalence in the general population and its presence in family histories, this understanding fosters self-compassion. And self-compassion, in turn, aids healing. An additional benefit of knowing about familial risk is the potential for earlier treatment seeking. Earlier intervention, particularly for panic disorder, correlates with better outcomes. S pecific Anxiety Disorders and Their Genetic Components Here's a summary of research findings for specific anxiety disorders: **Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Research indicates approximately a six-fold increase in the likelihood of developing generalized anxiety disorder if you have a first-degree relative with the condition. Twin studies suggest genetics contribute about 30% to GAD development. Researchers exploring specific genes associated with anxiety disorders have identified a potential link to a gene called RBFOX1, though this research remains preliminary and inconclusive. **Panic Disorder: Research shows a wide range in family aggregation odds ratios. If a family member has panic disorder, you are between three and 17 times more likely to develop it yourself. This wide range limits specific predictive value, but clearly indicates increased risk. Some genetic studies have identified a possible link to the NPSR1 gene for panic disorder. However, anxiety disorders are generally considered polygenic, meaning they involve multiple genetic regions. **Specific Phobias: Research on specific phobias varies considerably, with family influence accounting for approximately 30% to 60% of risk. This variability likely stems from the diversity of specific phobia types and triggers. **Social Anxiety Disorder: Twin studies show an inheritability rate of around 27% due to genetic components. A family history of any anxiety disorder increases the likelihood of developing social anxiety. **Agoraphobia: While not discussed in detail, agoraphobia is one of the five main anxiety disorders in adults mentioned earlier. Research indicates family history plays a role in agoraphobia development. **Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: As discussed previously, twin studies suggest a significant genetic component in OCD. The likelihood of developing OCD if a family member has the condition increases dramatically if that person developed OCD in childhood. Childhood onset of any anxiety disorder increases the chance of genetic transmission, but this effect is particularly pronounced with OCD. Key Takeaways To summarize the major points: Despite mentioning specific genes identified in research, no gene has been found to determine any anxiety disorder, and no research to date is definitive. Given the reality of epigenetics—that environmental factors trigger genes—neither genes nor childhood environment determine destiny. Recovery is possible, as is rewiring anxiety responses in the brain. If you haven't yet viewed my free webinar, "Rewire Your Brain for Joy and Confidence," I encourage you to explore it. I discuss how our brains become wired when we connect thoughts and behaviors with specific feelings. While these patterns often develop early in life, neuroplasticity allows us to change our brain wiring. We can alter which brain regions activate and which neurochemicals are produced. By changing behaviors, we can transform our environments, and even deeply ingrained patterns can be rewired. I encourage you to watch the webinar and seek help if you're struggling with anxiety—effective treatments exist. This article covers more technical material than my usual content, so I am interested in your feedback. My next video and article with address "Why do I have anxiety?"—a common question I receive. Many wonder why they experience anxiety while their siblings don't, whether it's genetic or behavioral. That forthcoming article will explore the various causes of anxiety beyond heretability. How has understanding the genetic components of anxiety affected your perspective on your own experience? I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts in the comments below.
By Barbara Heffernan April 9, 2025
Scientifically proven, simple technique to calm an amygdala hijack. This blog describes this simple technique, provides the scientifically proven benefits of using this technique and shares 7 steps to implement this technique in the most effective way! Based on Lieberman's scientific research on affect labeling. The Technique: Affect Labeling Affect labeling is putting into words what emotion you are feeling.
By Barbara Heffernan March 24, 2025
Understanding the Fawn Response The Fawn response is a behavior developed in childhood, often connected to complex trauma. It could even be little "t" traumas on an ongoing basis, where as a child, you learned to subjugate yourself to the caregiver in order to stay in relationship and survive. This becomes a deeply ingrained survival behavior which can become habitual. As you grow up, it gets applied to all situations. This blog will go through nine components required for healing. - The first three focus on internal work - The next three are more practical, action-oriented techniques - The last three address deeper psychological work Internal Work (Components 1-3) # 1. Recognize that fawning developed because it was necessary at the time Understand that fawning was a survival strategy, and it might have been the very best choice available to you. It may also have been, in many ways, the only choice. Even today as adults, there are situations where choosing a fawning-type behavior might actually be the best choice. This is important to understand because we don't want to eliminate this response entirely—we want to get to the point where it's not an automatic go-to reaction. Instead, we want to reach a place where you can consciously think, "I'm choosing to do this right now." Acknowledging that this developed as a survival strategy helps prepare you for the next two components. [ For more information on what the fawn response is and why it developed, read this blog] # 2. Begin to acknowledge and validate your own feelings If you grew up in an environment where you learned to fawn, my guess is that not only were your caregivers not paying attention to your feelings, but you also had to subjugate your own feelings to the point where you weren't aware of what you were feeling. As an adult, it's necessary to begin recognizing and identifying your emotions: "I'm feeling angry" or "sad" or "frustrated" or "irritated." Begin to acknowledge and even verbalize what you're feeling. The simple act of labeling your emotion calms down your fight-flight-freeze response and increases activity in the areas of the brain that help you solve problems. There is research that shows this happening via fMRIs! # 3. Practice self-compassion Understanding why this behavior developed can help you practice self-compassion. Changing these behaviors is hard and takes time. If you find yourself automatically fawning and later yelling at yourself, try not to do that—you're basically re-traumatizing yourself for a behavior you learned for survival. Instead, try noting it with self-compassion: "Interesting, I fell into that pattern again." And then connect this to the next step by adding, "I fell into that pattern again because of this situation." Observe with compassion rather than judgment. Practical Tools (Components 4-6) # 4. Identify situations that trigger fawning behavior Notice which situations trigger your fawning behavior. As you review these situations, see if there are patterns similar to those you experienced as a child. They may reflect situations that were emotionally or physically dangerous, or that created a rift between you and your caregivers. Identifying these situations helps you understand what patterns became embedded in your emotional brain. As you observe these patterns, bring in self-compassion and that observer mindset. This approach is much more productive than criticizing yourself. As you identify these patterns, you can connect them to current situations: "This situation at work with a difficult authority figure is recreating this childhood pattern for me." You are bringing in your frontal lobe to analyze the emotional reaction, which helps you realize, "That was threatening to my very existence when I was a child, but it is not threatening to my existence right now." This recognition is crucial because automatic fawning behaviors come from a need to survive immediate danger. The uncertainty of longer-term consequences (like losing a job) might be problematic, but it's not an immediate survival threat. Differentiating between then and now helps calm your fawn response. # 5. Keep a journal to track people-pleasing behaviors Keep a journal for 30 days. Journal on this question: "Did I say or do something today to please someone else that was at my own expense?" As you review the events of each day, you might realize, "I didn't do it this situation, but I did do it in those five situations." Again, maintain self-compassion with no judgment—just observe and be aware this will take time. This question gets at the heart of the issue: What did you do today that ignored your own values or needs in order to stay in relationship with someone else, avoid criticism, or prevent rejection? Verbalizing this through an audio journal or writing it down utilizes different parts of your brain that help you comprehensively understand what's happening. # 6. Practice emotional regulation tools daily Implement diaphragmatic breathing, grounding exercises, or any techniques that calm your physiology. Practice these regularly, not just in the middle of triggering events. You can weave these practices throughout your day. Set an alarm for three different times during the day, and when it goes off, simply take three deep diaphragmatic breaths. No one needs to know you're doing it—you can do it anywhere, and it's free. While it might not feel immediately helpful, you're stimulating a different part of your nervous system that helps you realize, "In this situation, it would not be life-threatening if the relationship were severed. I'm not in a situation where my immediate survival is at stake." When you feel safe enough, your normal breathing pattern will naturally be diaphragmatic. It's all a feedback loop—a body-based technique that communicates to the rest of your brain. The fawn response is differentiated from the fight-flight-freeze response. Sometimes they're grouped together, but I think it's more useful to separate them (I'll cover this topic in the future if you're interested—let me know in the comments). The fawn response uses different parts of the nervous system and brain because it's largely about staying in connection with others. That said, knowing whether your underlying response is fight, flight, or freeze beneath the fawn behavior can be helpful. People who fawn typically have either a flight response (wanting to run away) or a freeze response. Fighters rarely develop the fawn response. I recently created videos and blogs about calming the fight-flight-freeze response that might be useful for you. Deeper Work (Components 7-9) # 7. Recognize your negative core beliefs Identify what beliefs developed when you were young that led you to fawn, and what beliefs developed as a result of fawning. A common belief for people who fawn is "my needs don't matter," or even " I don't matter." Other common beliefs include "I'm not good enough," or "I'm powerless." A general feeling of being in danger is also common. Identifying these negative core beliefs and beginning to use tools to rewire them is extremely helpful. [I have a free PDF that helps you identify these beliefs and learn tools to rewire them. You can find it by clicking here ]. # 8. Learn to recognize and separate from limiting thoughts Notice when your behavior is driven by your negative core beliefs, whether you're fawning or not. You might operate from these beliefs almost all the time, even when not actively people-pleasing. Begin to separate yourself from these thoughts. Not all of our thoughts are true. Not all of our beliefs are true. We can "diffuse" from our thoughts by using our observer mind: "Interesting, I'm thinking that again, but I know it isn't necessarily true." A helpful technique is to "practice as if." If you feel like your needs don't matter, pretend that they do matter. Ask yourself, "What would I do right now if my needs mattered?" You can practice this approach in small ways. Your behavior, even if it is coming from a place of pretense, will actually begin to rewire these beliefs. # 9. Establish healthy boundaries I've placed this component last because establishing healthy boundaries isn't simply about saying "no." (Sometimes saying no is a healthy boundary, but sometimes it's not—and boundaries encompass much more than that). Healthy boundaries require a deep understanding of yourself and your values, and an understanding of where you end and others begin. To truly understand healthy boundaries requires deep inner work. The other components we've discussed, particularly emotional regulation, are prerequisites for establishing boundaries. Until you develop a certain level of emotional regulation, it's nearly impossible to implement healthy boundaries. When your amygdala is firing with the fight-flight-freeze response, your response is automatic and happening too quickly for your rational brain to intervene. Your rational mind might know "I should be saying no right now" or "I should leave this conversation," but the panic response has already set in, and your brain is focused solely on keeping the relationship intact and staying safe by avoiding conflict. This is why healthy boundaries aren't just about learning more information. You've probably read extensively about boundaries and have cognitive awareness of what healthy boundaries might look like. Then you get frustrated when you can't implement them because no one talks about the fact that boundary-setting starts with emotional regulation. Healthy boundaries also require healing negative core beliefs and knowing (even if you don't yet feel it ) that you can be safe without maintaining a toxic relationship, you can be safe even when there's conflict. A Structured Approach to Healing In my boundary program , I've designed an approach which walks you through the CORE components of healing and establishing helthy boundaries. The program helps you: develop the emotional regulation you need to begin to set boundaries identify and heal the negative core beliefs that are driving unhealthy boundaries learn assertive communication (as opposed to passive or aggressive) understand how to set boundaries and consequences and begin to do so! (For more info on the boundary program, click here) Learning assertive communication is essential because people with fawn patterns often use passive communication. Assertive communication represents the middle ground between passive and aggressive communication. It embodies the principle "I'm okay, you're okay." Many people who fawn misinterpret assertive communication as aggressive, and since they don't want to be like their aggressive abuser, they default to passive communication. But there is a healthy middle ground. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and questions—please comment below. I truly hope this is helpful, and I'll see you next week.
By Cassidy Edwards March 20, 2025
Do you find yourself automatically people-pleasing? Automatically becoming subservient to others? If yes, you might have the fawn response. Read this blog to understand what the fawn response is and why you might have developed it.
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All anxiety disorders are driven by an amygdala hijack. This blog explains how this work, why it is a problem and what to do about it. If your anxiety is controlling your life, ruining your happiness, and maybe even impacting your health, know that it is not all in your head. Your nervous system has been hijacked, and understanding this can really help you on your path to recovery.
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By Barbara Heffernan February 11, 2025
Are you wondering if you're stuck in a chronic freeze state? If you are, it can be a very painful place to be. The good news is that you can recover from this, and recognizing it is the first step toward change. These are the 7 signs you are in Chronic Freeze.
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Have you ever felt completely paralyzed in a stressful situation, unable to think clearly or even move? This is freeze mode - one of our basic survival instincts. This blog explores what the freeze response is, how it can be both helpful and problematic, and most importantly, how to manage it.
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