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Constructive Criticism VS Destructive Criticism

Barbara Heffernan • August 17, 2024

What makes criticism CONSTRUCTIVE instead of DESTRUCTIVE?
Criticism expresses a desire for something to change. Increase your chance of success by delivering it in a way the other person can hear!

Constructive criticism is much more effective both for the giver and for the receiver. And yet I'd say that most of the criticism we receive is destructive. And possibly a lot of the criticism that we give is destructive.


Destructive criticism triggers a fight-flight-freeze response in the listener. Destructive criticism triggers our defensiveness. So if you're giving criticism because you want something to change, it is much better to figure out how to say it so the other person can hear it. And then if you're on the receiving end, it's great to know what is destructive criticism, because you may not need to respond to it.

What is Constructive Criticism?


Let's talk about the components of constructive criticism:

Number one: It is specific to the situation

Number two: There's something you can do about it. 

Number three: The person who's giving the criticism has the right to give it, meaning it is relevant to the relationship between the two people.

Number four: The agenda is clear and usually shared. 

If somebody gives you well-thought-out, constructive criticism, it does show an investment in the relationship. There's actually always a desire underneath criticism.


And if you're on the receiving end and you can hear that desire, it will help. Just to give you a very quick example on that one, if you have a supervisor or boss at work who takes the time to sit down with you and talk you through some of the things that you could do to improve, that person is invested in your success. 


What is Destructive Criticism?


Number one: Destructive Criticism is general, it is not specific to a situation. 

Number two: Very often there's nothing the person can do about it. In fact, very often destructive criticism really comes out and comes across as a condemnation of the other person. That's why if you are invested in the relationship and you would like something to change, using components of destructive criticism will not  achieve what you want because it really does come across as a condemnation.

Number three: Destructive criticism is sometimes given by people who have the “right” to give it, or it's relevant to the relationship, but not always. 

Number four: The agenda is often not clear with destructive criticism. 


The Language of Destructive Criticism

Importantly, the language of destructive criticism differs from constructive criticism.


Destructive criticism often uses labeling. “You are a jerk.” “You're selfish.” “You're too reckless.” All of those are labeling the person, as if they can be summed up with one or two words. It is very demeaning. 


Other language that goes with destructive criticism is “always” or ”never. “ “You always mess up our plans.” “You never do the dishes.” Using “always” and “never,” that's broad. That's not specific to a situation. 


In general, “you statements” tend to trigger the defensive response in the other person. And usually when we use “you statements," it is mainly to express our own frustration. It's releasing our anxiety, angst, anger. 


All of us can do this sometimes when we're stressed. There's nobody who does this perfectly. But it is important to keep in mind to avoid those “you statements,” avoid the “always, never” and avoid the labels. 


One of the last things I want to highlight about the language used in destructive criticism is very often people will bring in unnamed third parties. “Everyone thinks that you are ‘_____’ .” “Everyone in the family says…” , right? It could sometimes even be, “Well, my therapist says you are… [blah].” Bringing in an outside authority to bolster your case is actually very destructive. And if you think through the aspects that I outlined for constructive vs destructive, pulling in a third party is vague, it's not specific. It increases the other person’s fight, flight, freeze response.


So not helpful. 


The video I released today goes through an example of how to turn destructive criticism into constructive with regard to a personal issue (living with someone who “never” does the dishes) and with regard to a work situation.

In both of these, you will see that constructive criticism focuses on
problem-solving. Ideally, criticism is meant to solve a problem. 


So the last point I’d like to address in this blog is a pretty major point.

Why We Might Express Criticism Destructively

If we feel that we deserve to have what we are looking for, we are much more able to deliver criticisms constructively.  If we feel we deserve to have a supportive partner, to have someone at work who steps up, if we really feel that our desire is valid (because criticism actually expresses a desire!), then we deliver the criticism much more smoothly.


And when I say we feel we deserve the support, I don't mean self-righteousness. Self-righteousness is actually driven by the opposite, a lack of confidence that you truly deserve it. Self-righteous statements such as “I always do the dishes, you never do the dishes”  reflect our lack of confidence.


Let me know what you think about my statement that when we don't give criticism well, it's really tied to a feeling that we don't really deserve this. I'd be curious if that resonates for you or not. (You can comment below!).


If you think of this when you're on the receiving end of destructive criticism: at core that person has negative beliefs about themselves that are preventing them from presenting their request for change in a reasonable way. So knowing that may not make it any more pleasant, but it might make it easier for you to boundary yourself and not take it as personally. 


And then if you're the deliverer, it is worth thinking through: What's the negative core belief that is underneath this problem? How do I shift that core belief?

So, for example, if we grew up in a household where our needs were minimized, if not ignored, we were taught that other people's needs were more important. If we grew up with this feeling of “I can't really rely on anyone else” and “My needs aren't as important as everybody else's needs,” this can follow us throughout life until we heal from it.

Perhaps you get into a marriage where even though your partner's a good person, they are perfectly happy to let you do everything around the house. And then at some point you realize you don't like it and you want to change it, but your approach is driven by resentment and self-righteousness. You might know you have the right to expect it, but you’re not really feeling that you have that right.


If you FEEL you have that right, you can deliver that message much more smoothly, much more effectively. You'll deliver it in a way that the other person can hear it, and a change can be implemented. 


So I do have a free PDF
Transform Your Negative Core Belief. It helps you walk through different situations that might've developed a particular negative belief, and then it provides ways to transform that into a reasonably stated positive belief. A lot of people have found this super, super helpful. You can download it here.


Blog Author: Barbara Heffernan, LCSW, MBA. Barbara is a licensed psychotherapist and specialist in anxiety, trauma, and healthy boundaries. She had a private practice in Connecticut for twenty years before starting her popular YouTube channel designed to help people around the world live a more joyful life. Barbara has a BA from Yale University, an MBA from Columbia University and an MSW from SCSU.  More info on Barbara can be found on her bio page.

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By Barbara Heffernan March 24, 2025
Understanding the Fawn Response The Fawn response is a behavior developed in childhood, often connected to complex trauma. It could even be little "t" traumas on an ongoing basis, where as a child, you learned to subjugate yourself to the caregiver in order to stay in relationship and survive. This becomes a deeply ingrained survival behavior which can become habitual. As you grow up, it gets applied to all situations. This blog will go through nine components required for healing. - The first three focus on internal work - The next three are more practical, action-oriented techniques - The last three address deeper psychological work Internal Work (Components 1-3) # 1. Recognize that fawning developed because it was necessary at the time Understand that fawning was a survival strategy, and it might have been the very best choice available to you. It may also have been, in many ways, the only choice. Even today as adults, there are situations where choosing a fawning-type behavior might actually be the best choice. This is important to understand because we don't want to eliminate this response entirely—we want to get to the point where it's not an automatic go-to reaction. Instead, we want to reach a place where you can consciously think, "I'm choosing to do this right now." Acknowledging that this developed as a survival strategy helps prepare you for the next two components. [ For more information on what the fawn response is and why it developed, read this blog] # 2. Begin to acknowledge and validate your own feelings If you grew up in an environment where you learned to fawn, my guess is that not only were your caregivers not paying attention to your feelings, but you also had to subjugate your own feelings to the point where you weren't aware of what you were feeling. As an adult, it's necessary to begin recognizing and identifying your emotions: "I'm feeling angry" or "sad" or "frustrated" or "irritated." Begin to acknowledge and even verbalize what you're feeling. The simple act of labeling your emotion calms down your fight-flight-freeze response and increases activity in the areas of the brain that help you solve problems. There is research that shows this happening via fMRIs! # 3. Practice self-compassion Understanding why this behavior developed can help you practice self-compassion. Changing these behaviors is hard and takes time. If you find yourself automatically fawning and later yelling at yourself, try not to do that—you're basically re-traumatizing yourself for a behavior you learned for survival. Instead, try noting it with self-compassion: "Interesting, I fell into that pattern again." And then connect this to the next step by adding, "I fell into that pattern again because of this situation." Observe with compassion rather than judgment. Practical Tools (Components 4-6) # 4. Identify situations that trigger fawning behavior Notice which situations trigger your fawning behavior. As you review these situations, see if there are patterns similar to those you experienced as a child. They may reflect situations that were emotionally or physically dangerous, or that created a rift between you and your caregivers. Identifying these situations helps you understand what patterns became embedded in your emotional brain. As you observe these patterns, bring in self-compassion and that observer mindset. This approach is much more productive than criticizing yourself. As you identify these patterns, you can connect them to current situations: "This situation at work with a difficult authority figure is recreating this childhood pattern for me." You are bringing in your frontal lobe to analyze the emotional reaction, which helps you realize, "That was threatening to my very existence when I was a child, but it is not threatening to my existence right now." This recognition is crucial because automatic fawning behaviors come from a need to survive immediate danger. The uncertainty of longer-term consequences (like losing a job) might be problematic, but it's not an immediate survival threat. Differentiating between then and now helps calm your fawn response. # 5. Keep a journal to track people-pleasing behaviors Keep a journal for 30 days. Journal on this question: "Did I say or do something today to please someone else that was at my own expense?" As you review the events of each day, you might realize, "I didn't do it this situation, but I did do it in those five situations." Again, maintain self-compassion with no judgment—just observe and be aware this will take time. This question gets at the heart of the issue: What did you do today that ignored your own values or needs in order to stay in relationship with someone else, avoid criticism, or prevent rejection? Verbalizing this through an audio journal or writing it down utilizes different parts of your brain that help you comprehensively understand what's happening. # 6. Practice emotional regulation tools daily Implement diaphragmatic breathing, grounding exercises, or any techniques that calm your physiology. Practice these regularly, not just in the middle of triggering events. You can weave these practices throughout your day. Set an alarm for three different times during the day, and when it goes off, simply take three deep diaphragmatic breaths. No one needs to know you're doing it—you can do it anywhere, and it's free. While it might not feel immediately helpful, you're stimulating a different part of your nervous system that helps you realize, "In this situation, it would not be life-threatening if the relationship were severed. I'm not in a situation where my immediate survival is at stake." When you feel safe enough, your normal breathing pattern will naturally be diaphragmatic. It's all a feedback loop—a body-based technique that communicates to the rest of your brain. The fawn response is differentiated from the fight-flight-freeze response. Sometimes they're grouped together, but I think it's more useful to separate them (I'll cover this topic in the future if you're interested—let me know in the comments). The fawn response uses different parts of the nervous system and brain because it's largely about staying in connection with others. That said, knowing whether your underlying response is fight, flight, or freeze beneath the fawn behavior can be helpful. People who fawn typically have either a flight response (wanting to run away) or a freeze response. Fighters rarely develop the fawn response. I recently created videos and blogs about calming the fight-flight-freeze response that might be useful for you. Deeper Work (Components 7-9) # 7. Recognize your negative core beliefs Identify what beliefs developed when you were young that led you to fawn, and what beliefs developed as a result of fawning. A common belief for people who fawn is "my needs don't matter," or even " I don't matter." Other common beliefs include "I'm not good enough," or "I'm powerless." A general feeling of being in danger is also common. Identifying these negative core beliefs and beginning to use tools to rewire them is extremely helpful. [I have a free PDF that helps you identify these beliefs and learn tools to rewire them. You can find it by clicking here ]. # 8. Learn to recognize and separate from limiting thoughts Notice when your behavior is driven by your negative core beliefs, whether you're fawning or not. You might operate from these beliefs almost all the time, even when not actively people-pleasing. Begin to separate yourself from these thoughts. Not all of our thoughts are true. Not all of our beliefs are true. We can "diffuse" from our thoughts by using our observer mind: "Interesting, I'm thinking that again, but I know it isn't necessarily true." A helpful technique is to "practice as if." If you feel like your needs don't matter, pretend that they do matter. Ask yourself, "What would I do right now if my needs mattered?" You can practice this approach in small ways. Your behavior, even if it is coming from a place of pretense, will actually begin to rewire these beliefs. # 9. Establish healthy boundaries I've placed this component last because establishing healthy boundaries isn't simply about saying "no." (Sometimes saying no is a healthy boundary, but sometimes it's not—and boundaries encompass much more than that). Healthy boundaries require a deep understanding of yourself and your values, and an understanding of where you end and others begin. To truly understand healthy boundaries requires deep inner work. The other components we've discussed, particularly emotional regulation, are prerequisites for establishing boundaries. Until you develop a certain level of emotional regulation, it's nearly impossible to implement healthy boundaries. When your amygdala is firing with the fight-flight-freeze response, your response is automatic and happening too quickly for your rational brain to intervene. Your rational mind might know "I should be saying no right now" or "I should leave this conversation," but the panic response has already set in, and your brain is focused solely on keeping the relationship intact and staying safe by avoiding conflict. 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