If you have a loved one that comes from an enmeshed family system, you may feel  neglected, frustrated, or simply that  you’re not a priority. It is so disheartening. 

Since it is so clear from the outside that our loved one is in a damaging relationship, it is also so confusing because they don’t seem willing to acknowledge, or, if they will acknowledge it, they don’t feel they can do anything about it.

I have so often heard from my clients, “How do I talk to my spouse about their famiy’s enmeshment?” “How do I help my partner see that the relationship is not good for them?”

Almost always, my clients have wanted to focus on helping their partner see it is bad for them.  Their inclination is to tell their partner what they should and shouldn’t do. 

It seems so much harder for most of us to talk about the impact it is having on us… the needs that we have that aren’t being met.  This is often because we have deep-seated beliefs that our needs don’t matter. Or negative core beliefs that it is dangerous or selfish to express our needs.*

But instead of saying, "You need to change," “You should stop doing so much for your family” or “This isn’t good for you!,” it’s much more impactful to focus on expressing how their enmeshment affects you emotionally and creates challenges in your relationship.

Doing this in an open and vulnerable way can move the conversation away from a place of unintentional blaming or shame to a place of concern and understanding.

Some possible ways to phrase it might be:

“I feel neglected.”

“I know I contribute to this dynamic between us and I’d love it if we can look at this issue together.” 

This conversation can be so difficult because oftentimes, those who are enmeshed date those who are enmeshed. Your partner probably shares the same negative core beliefs of “it is not ok to have needs.” Setting healthy boundaries is not first nature for either person. I do have a  blog on Enmeshment In A Romantic Relationship., which might be helpful for you

I do have a free PDF on Transforming Your Negative Core Beliefs which may be helpful if these feelings of “I’m not allowed to have needs” resonate with you..  🌟

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